Incubating

May 17, 2009

Had my first channeling experience yesterday. Well, Jana called it channeling but it’s very similar to what I do, which I call “energy work” or “shamanistic” or whatnot.

Singing played a big role in the themes of the session, as did coming into my power. I’m feeling introspective again today (though I did have a great time at the first installation of the BPP staged readings and food w/them afterwards). I’m also sleepy, which means it’s hard to get any messages!

I know I’m still processing everything that happened. We talked about some specific relationships, such as family, and also about themes in my life. We didn’t talk about babies. And I’ve only just now realized it.

Look, all I have to do is type the word and the heat wells up in my tear ducts and I overflow with saltwater instead of milk.

There will be no babies for me.

It’s been seven years since I got the news, seven years filled with additional proofs of why I shouldn’t have children—regardless of the mechanics of the process.

Something broke inside of me when I got the news. I heard it. I felt it. A brief “crack,” like a small tube of solid glass in the center of my womb. I’ve never been the same.

I can’t believe I’m blogging about something so personal, but I think I’m doing it because so few people ever check in on this blog. It’s highly unlikely the post will ever be read. But I get to feel like I’m communicating it somehow to the world. My sadness, my grief, my loss at what feels like a tragic hand of cards dealt to me by Fate. A hand I have no idea how to play.

Today, in my solitude, I feel I am incubating something. It’s not a substitute for a child and never can be. (I hate that well-meant crap about all creativity being the same—it’s not.) All I know is that I’m incubating something. I think it has something to do with singing, and something to do with my soul. I don’t think it’s possible to have one without the other!

I went to Jana after a long search for a shaman who might be able to help me. She definitely did and can. I’m anxious to have another session right away but I’ve barely begun to digest the messages of yesterday’s.

How serious am I about coming into my power? Most people would say I’m already there but none of them knows me. They wouldn’t recognize me in the dark. When I am in my power, a great light shines through me. It’s an amazing, beautiful, awe-filled thing.

The light is not always white or golden. It’s not all fluffy bunnies and peaceniks. It’s being connected to one’s inner place of knowing. And then just letting it flow. Following the consequences to their many possible conclusions. Following the threads back to their places of origin.

I know it well. I remember it well. It’s a place I used to live in. But I’ve been long gone.

Is it possible to get to the end of my grief over never having a child? Is it possible to be whole again? Are the two questions related?

I am incubating the next me.

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