Who is this person?

Cairril Adaire is my performance and pen name, devised while doing numerology during physics class many moons ago. I did not get class credit.

My central passion is {ahem} to create transformative experiences through the performing arts. This intertwines the two strands of Cairril-ness, music and spirituality, into an endless dance like the ribbons of DNA.

But it’s not all about priestessing someone through a mind-blowing experience that initiates them into a new kind of awareness, though that happens sometimes. “Transformative experiences” include laughter, nostalgia, silliness, and the ever-popular “things that make you go ‘hm.’”

I sing, I act, I dance like a spaz, I write (music, scenes, and non-fiction), I lead, I priestess, and I collaborate. I am forever in search of what I experienced in my formative years: a community of peers where we challenge each other to greater creative excellence and have fun while doing so.

Why is this blog here?

I want to acknowledge my creative self, have something to refer people to for the Cairril Adaire me, and also have a place where I can blather freely and not have to worry about my day job.

Discordian house blessing

I’ve been working on memorizing my lines for The Scottish Play. Thankfully, almost all of them were written in verse. Thank you, Bill. It’s like memorizing music. But I do find that I’m occasionally interspersing lines from a Discordian house blessing which I picked up in the early ’90s. I think it’s the iambs. I have no way to credit it, except to say it’s copyrighted 9987 O.L.W. May it please Eris.

Eris Bless This House

This house be safe from tygers wild,*
Here only tame things domiciled:
No bogle, troll, or grinch allowed,
Nor motley mob nor creeping crowd.
Bless everything within these walls,
No matter if it sits or crawls.**
Let mild weather be inside,
For those who ‘neath this rooftree bide;
And too, if not enlightenment —
Then pizza,*** love, and merriment…
And if these lines seem slightly odd,
Be glad at least they mostly rhyme.

* Lions, leopards, and armadillos not covered
** Certain crawling things require additional coverage
*** Extra cheese, unlimited toppings on Tuesdays

Is Mitt Romney a unicorn??

Just got off of Facebook, where I learned of a hilarious campaign by LeftAction to urge Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett to investigate whether Mitt Romney is a unicorn. This in response to his surreal claim that he must see President Obama’s birth certificate before he can put him on the ballot because he’s received over 1,200 emails asking him to do so. LeftAction has collected over 3,300 signatures for their email campaign so far and seeks 25,000. Hie thee over there and add your call for fairness in treatment! (I’m still cracking up as I type this.)

Carmina Burana

I just got home from Carmina Burana at IU and am thankful I can write because I certainly can’t speak.

While I’m very familiar with the opening of the piece (from endless viewings of Excalibur if nothing else), this was the first time I’ve heard the whole thing. The University Orchestra was joined by the Oratorio Chorus and Children’s Choir. Robert Porco conducted. Rainelle Krause sung soprano; Jacob Williams, tenor; and John Orduna, baritone.

I got there with 10 minutes to spare but there was hardly a seat open in the house. I finally settled in the fourth row, far stage right. But the acoustics in the MAC are so good, I don’t think I missed anything being placed where I was.

The very beginning was just a tiny bit ragged. I couldn’t tell where it was off, but the main parts weren’t quite synched up. But man, that thing comes out of nowhere! It just bashes you over the head and straight through the heart like some chthonic roar of the Earth herself. I’d watched this video beforehand and understood the lyrics for the first time, but the MAC also displayed supertitles. And the intensity—I just felt my flesh lifting up off my bones in response to the power all around me.

The rest of the piece was very interesting. I was afraid it was going to get bogged down in long periods of orchestra-only, but it shifted constantly between small and large sounds. The text comes from 24 twelfth-century poems dealing with Spring, drinking, and love. It was amazingly accessible even without the supertitles.

The baritone had the most solos and he was very good. In one segment he repeatedly went up into his falsetto, caressing the sound, and I just shut my eyes and floated along with it.

The soprano was one of the best voices I’ve heard in my life. She had a big sound but none of the heavy vibrato that so often goes with big voices. She wasn’t heavy at all. Her pitch was true and her interpretation flawless. I am very critical of sopranos in particular because of my own background, but I was enraptured by her artistry.

The poor tenor had hardly anything to do. And the parts he did sing weren’t handled very well. He seemed to be grasping desperately at the high notes rather than shifting registers effortlessly. It was either poor training or sheer pig-headedness on his part. Nobody comes out of the Jacobs school sounding like that.

It was a throwback to see Porco again. I’ve seen him here and there over the years but I am always tossed back to his office where, over 25 years ago, he asked me to sing Care Selve with more tenderness and I discovered a whole new layer of meaning to the piece. He was relentless about getting me into Singing Hoosiers but I had a scheduling conflict (Spanish, methinks). He just kept hammering at me but there was nothing I could do. I ended up in the Women’s Chorus, which sang at The Nutcracker but otherwise didn’t do much. I loved the conductor but hated the other singers. They embodied the worst of the music school—my set example is of the countless sopranos who would hold the note after Paula gave us the cut-off simply because they liked the sound of their own voices. Disgusting.

Anyway! Back to Orff. I can’t freakin’ believe this, but he was largely self-taught! How does this happen? How does art so sublime come from the hand of someone who hasn’t gone through the strict discipline of formal training? I have a hard enough time writing for women’s voices; I stand in awe of people who can compose for orchestra (all those sounds!) in addition to voice! Unbelievable. There was one brief section where I heard a Stravinskyesque bit of jarring thrusts, but it fit into the piece and passed quickly. Each section had its own aural story to tell but also fit into the whole.

The whole thing wanders through life-questioning fate and choices, ending with an absolutely rapturous invocation of Venus when suddenly—bam!—there’s O Fortuna smashing back into you, wiping out the lives and loves of all who have gone before. It’s absolutely devastating. I didn’t realize I was crying until the first tear ran down my face. It was overwhelming.

When the final chord cut off, there was this gorgeous upswell of sound from the audience that I have only heard a few times in my life. It’s this upsurge in energy as everyone is swept to their feet and pounding their hands together helplessly and crying out from the throat in wordless gratitude. It’s what the body does when it’s filled to bursting with art. There were three bows—people just couldn’t stop giving back to this incredible ensemble of artists that had transported us for a brief hour to a contemplation of our place in the world.

Reading the program notes it became clear that Orff was of that generation of early twentieth century artists who believed that art could change the world. The Bauhaus and the Constuctivists were some of the most ardent believers in the cause, but even the nihilistic Futurists believed their art could change things. Paul Rand was one of a handful of graphic designers mid-century who believed graphic design could make a difference. Today we are much more cynical. Art is something to be viewed in a museum and half the time we can’t even justify its existence. (A stick leaning against a wall? Really?) But to these artists, they believed passionately that art could speak to everyday people and change them—largely for the better. And then suddenly I flash to O Fortuna as the soundtrack to a car commercial and I imagine poor old Orff turning over in his grave in despair. Or maybe that trivialization of art is exactly what O Fortuna is talking about. No matter where we fall on the Wheel of Fortune, we will inevitably go down.

What a night!

Spells for protection and release

As noted in my previous post, a woman (let’s call her F) came to me recently with a problem with her ex. Not only was she still enmeshed in the relationship three years after it ended, he was actively using magic to try to force her back to him. She had tried every prayer, talisman, and ritual on her own that she could think of, from a variety of religious and mystical traditions, to no avail.

Needless to say, her ex’s actions were highly unethical, even dangerous. He was going so far as to attempt weather witching with friends to try to curse F. When she became ill shortly after, she became afraid that his spells were working.

Weather witching is a heavy magical working and requires a certain type of person to pull off. It’s not just about power—it’s about having a certain type of magical and even physical presence. It’s not something to be undertaken lightly.

In my opinion, these people are playing with fire. F told me that her ex has been miserable and I’m not surprised. It’s bordering on evil to try to force someone to your will, and all that we do rebounds back to us three times over.

F needed help and she needed it fast. She was utterly spent. We talked at length about the situation and went over a variety of ritual options for her. She guided me in how best to facilitate protection and the increase of her personal power. While this point of view can sometimes veer towards blaming the victim, I told her that she may be giving her power away to these people and it was time to call it back.

What follows is a transcript of the ritual we developed. It relies heavily on prayers from Patricia Monaghan’s The Goddess Companion as well as Valerie Worth’s The Crone’s Book of Words, with Caitlín Matthews, Frank Herbert’s Litany Against Fear, Vivianne Crowley’s Wicca: The Old Religion and the New Age, Ed Fitch’s Magical Rites from the Crystal Well, and some original works thrown in. The aim of our working was to release F from the bonds of the past and to give her a strong, grounded protection so she could embark on her new path, free of the bonds that had enslaved her.

As noted in my previous post, whenever doing magical work, it is vital to abide by the Wiccan Rede: “If it harm none, do what you will.”

A note on terminology: This ritual uses the phrase “So mote it be,” which is another way of saying, “so must it be” or “I will this to happen.”

For these spells to be effective, choose companions whom you trust absolutely to have your back during thick and thin. They are your Guardians through the ritual and help hold the space for your transformation. In this ritual, I acted as High Priestess, but that role could be shared amongst the Guardians if need be.

Gather: Feather, sword, candles, incense, matches, water, salt, lemongrass oil

F moves through space, spreading her aura and intentions. Guardians and High Priestess (HP) move around perimeter, warding off the evil eye (this gesture is sometimes used with the thumb bent outwards) on all sides (including above and below).

Guardians take their places at the Quarters (North, East, South, West). F stands in center while HP clears energy from her using feather. (It’s important to check in with F to determine when she feels clear of negative energy.) F clears the solar plexus chakra by vigorously brushing away tendrils of lingering energy and “polishes the crown.” (This last comes from a Chines discipline and calls for calling the energy up through the body to the space just above the head. Then, just as is if you were wearing a crown, “polish it” by gently moving your hands in circles to either side of its energy on your head. When done, release the energy by flicking your fingers outward three times while gently rocking up onto your toes.)

F:
I will face my fear.
I will allow it to pass over me and through me.
When I turn the inner eye to see its path, there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

I am my own today; no other one shall steal me away. (Say three times)

All: So mote it be!

HP: Lights main candle and incense
For the good of all, and it harm none!
Let us be at one, at one to celebrate the power, the power which moves the Universe.
For behold, the lords of light have set their stars upon the heavens;
The Earth spins and the Moon holds her course.
We will walk proudly and hold our heads high
For the sky is our father,
And the Earth our mother,
And we are the children of the Gods.

The presence of the Divine Spirit extends everywhere—throughout the many strange, frightening, and magical lands, to all places of wilderness, ordinariness, enchantment, and mystery.

Salutes the North, moves to the East. All turn to the East and visualize.

HP:
Our goddess is the Goddess of Beginnings. She breathes the Breath of Life into our starving nostrils. She blesses and witnesses all commencements. She remembers our vows.

Here do we welcome the East, realm of Air. Here do we welcome all Witches who have gone before us, back to the dawning of Art and Time. Sisters of the Old Ways, shapers of destiny, you who do not fear the truth of power, we welcome you to this Circle this night! Lend your aid to our work.

All: Blessed Be!

HP moves to the South. All turn to the South and visualize.

HP:
Our goddess is the Goddess of Truth. She burns away ignorance, delusion, and ego-comforts. From the depths of no-thing-ness to the fully realized act of consciousness, her flame burns.

Here do we welcome the South, realm of Fire. Here do we welcome all those of a like mind who wish us well, whether fighters, poets, dreamers, or lovers. Kindred spirits alive with flame and passion, we welcome you to this Circle this night!

All: Blessed Be!

HP moves to the West. All turn to the West and visualize.

HP:
Our goddess is the Goddess of Forgiveness. She soothes us with her sacred waters and washes away our bleeding dissonance. Through her gentle love we are reconciled to ourselves. We reveal ourselves, she blesses us. We reveal ourselves, she sets us free.

Here do we welcome the West, realm of Water. Here do we welcome all women who have gone before us, blazing paths in all realms of life and death. Blessed sisters, you who know the communion of sisterhood, we welcome you to this Circle this night!

All: Blessed Be!

HP moves to the North. All turn to the North and visualize.

HP:
Our goddess is the Goddess of Power. She pushes us to the still center and demands that we face all our selves. Hers is the power of naming. Hers is the power of integrity. Death, surrender, will, and change are her watchwords.

Here do we welcome the North, realm of Earth. Here do we welcome all our kith and kin who have gone before us and who are with us now. Beloved dead, beloved living, you who are the wings at our backs, blessed be your names for your courage, your endurance, your creativity, and your faith. Dearest ones of blood and heart, we welcome you to this Circle this night! Lend your aid to our work.

All: Blessed Be!

HP moves to center of Circle. Guardians and F face the center. HP casts Circle. Visualize a ring of water like a moat, and then a ring of fire within that. The power of water and flame rise above us and below us so that we are encapsulated in a sphere.

HP:
The Circle is sealed, and all within are free to celebrate the Divine Spirit, whom we adore.

All: Blessed Be!

HP stands to side and F stands center. F states her intentions for the ritual, proclaiming to the four Quarters and the Divine Spirit which binds them all. Guardians hold the space.

F:
Knowledge I have, whilst thou hast none;
I can make songs beyond thy tongue;
All of thy offerings first were mine;
I keep my spirit and need not thine.

All: So mote it be!

HP:
In this sacred space, our sister F consecrates herself unto herself, in magical presence here.

HP charges the water, charges the salt, then mixes them. She gives the chalice to F.

F:
I shall find wisdom within myself
I shall hear wisdom in all the sounds about me
I shall find courage within myself
I shall find inspiration in all I hear
With this water I cleanse and enliven myself,
And with open eyes choose an uncharted path for my destiny.

F uses the saltwater to annoint as follows:
F: Blessed be my feet, which have brought me in these ways.
Blessed be my knees, which kneel in wonder at the beauty of the cosmos.
Blessed be my womb, without which this race would not be.
Blessed be my breasts, formed in beauty and strength.
Blessed be my lips, which utter words of love.

Take the lemongrass oil and annoint:
F: Bless me, Mother, who is your child.
(Eyes) That I may see your many forms
(Nose) That I may breathe your essence
(Womb) That I may nurture as you have nurtured me
(Feet) That I may walk in your paths
Bless me, Mother, for I am a part of you.

Kiss the hand and touch:
(3rd eye) Let the mind be free!
(Heart) Let the heart be free!
(Womb) Let the body be free!

All: Blessed Be!

HP:
F has found herself ground down by the Wheel of the Fates. Tonight we change this destiny and release her into her greatest good. For the good of all, and it harm none, F is released from the past and walks into her best future.

F:
With my breath, I release these thoughts to the Wind.
Breath to breath, Wind to wind.
May the great Wind carry these thoughts far from me, dispersing them, disempowering them.
With each new breath, I invoke serenity.
With each new breath I invoke peace.
With each new breath I invoke faith in my self.
Breath to breath, Wind to wind.
I am a child of Nature,
and her strength sustains me.

All: Blessed be.

F:
My words are one with the great mountains, with the great rocks, with the great trees.
My words are one with my body and my heart.
And with you, day! And with you, night!
My words are one with this world.
I am one with this world.
You all see this, all of you.

F pauses to breathe in her power. All visualize an egg shape of white light surrounding her, with the base going through the floor at her feet and the top arising above her head. This white light is bright but translucent. F is free to allow any energies through, but only energies in keeping with her greatest good.

F:
Brighid of the Mantle, encompass me.
Lady of the Lambs, protect me.
Keeper of the Hearth, kindle me.
Beneath your mantle, take me
And restore me to memory.

Mothers of my mother,
Foremothers strong,
Guide my hands in yours,
Remind me how to kindle the hearth,
To keep it bright,
To preserve the flame.
Your hands within mine, my hands within yours,
To kindle the light, both day and night.

The Mantle of Brighid about me,
The Memory of Brighid within me,
The Protection of Brighid keeping me from harm, ignorance, and heartlessness,
This day and night,
From dawn till dark,
From dark till dawn.

All: Blessed be.

While cradling herself in her arms,
F:
Every day, every night that I praise the Goddess,
I know I will be safe:
I shall not be chased,
I shall not be caught,
I shall not be harmed.
Fire, Sun, and Moon Cannot burn me.
Nor lakes nor stream nor sea can drown me.
Fairy arrow cannot pierce me.
I am safe, safe, safe, singing her praises.

While holding the sword upright:
F:
Who comes to me I keep;
Who goes from me I free;
Yet against all I stand
Who carry not my key.

Lay down the sword
Within the center of my Self,
In the presence of the Divine Spirit and all who dwell within Circle this night,
I stand in my truth.
I call upon the universe to witness my transformation.
I move onto a new path to my greatest destiny,
For the good of all,
For the good of all.
I welcome the change to my life’s path
That leads me into my joyous, creative best self.
I am filled with Life’s power
And I embark in freedom.

Guardians and HP hold hands in a circle around F and chant “F is free!” repeatedly. When F feels full of her power, she chants, “I am free.” At this, the sister-circle bends down, still holding hands, and lowly intones “free.” Keep holding hands and rise in body as we rise in pitch on the word “free,” until we reach up on our toes and release our high-pitched voices and our will and our hands to the universe.

HP:
On this sacred night do we bear witness to our sister’s transformation. She is released from the wheel of suffering and comes into her own power.

All: So mote it be!

Everyone takes turns hugging F and welcoming her to her new path.

HP:
All within, the time has come to release our Circle to the winds. But know that the power raised here tonight resonates long after. Dear F, know that we are with you in spirit, to call upon at any time of need. We are part of your protection, and we are woven into the spell of your greatest good.

F says a final prayer/intention if so moved.

All face the North.

HP:
All beings of North, all beings of Earth, beloved kith and kin, we thank you for your presence in our Circle this night. Celebrate with our sister F, and guard her and guide her in the days and nights ahead. May there always be peace between our realm and yours.

All: Blessed be!

All face the West.

HP:
All beings of West, all beings of Water, shining women, we thank you for your presence in our Circle this night. Celebrate with our sister F, and guard her and guide her in the days and nights ahead. May there always be peace between our realm and yours.

All: Blessed be!

All face the South.

HP:
All beings of South, all beings of Fire, all those of a like mind, we thank you for your presence in our Circle this night. Celebrate with our sister F, and guard her and guide her in the days and nights ahead. May there always be peace between our realm and yours.

All: Blessed be!

All face the East.

HP:
All beings of East, all beings of Air, powerful Witches, we thank you for your presence in our Circle this night. Celebrate with our sister F, and guard her and guide her in the days and nights ahead. May there always be peace between our realm and yours.

All: Blessed be!

HP moves to center of Circle. As she opens the Circle, visualize the rings of water and fire swirling into the night sky and down into the Earth. Feel your own connection to the Earth and Sky.

HP:
This Circle is open, but never broken. Love is the law, and love is the bond. May we have straight spines, clear minds, and hearts filled with love and joy!

All: Blessed be!

Ground and feast!

—-
Note: Eating bread is an excellent way to ground the energies raised during ritual. We enjoyed a delicious home-baked bread that was full of texture.

Spells for breaking up with someone

I recently had a woman come to me who was still emotionally enmeshed with her ex three years after their break-up. I did some research on the Web for spells to help her finally release herself from the relationship but found to my horror that almost everything I could find was for breaking up someone else’s relationship, or even trying to cause a divorce!

These spells are highly unethical. They will also rebound on the casters three times over, making their own relationships unfulfilling. It is just plain wrong to try to bend another person to your will.

So I turned to my trusty old copy of Ray Buckland’s Complete Book of Witchcraft and found a handparting rite. Alas, it lacks emotional depth. So I created two spells based on simple practical magic for those times when the relationship has officially ended but you find your self unable to let go. The key thing to remember is to focus on freeing yourself from the tendrils that bind you, rather than trying to manipulate the will of your ex. Abide by the Rede: “If it harms none, do what you will.”

Prelude

Begin your ritual in your customary way, whether it’s by calling the Quarters or casting a Circle or what have you. State your intentions to the Divine. Then briefly tell the story of the relationship. Allow yourself to express any emotions that come up. If you’re still enmeshed, you may still feel sorrow or anger or even nostalgic joy. You will likely feel longing for something which has now passed. Let these emotions come, feel them fully, then let them go.

Candle spell

For this spell, you’ll need three candles and a piece of string. Choose one candle each to represent each of you. The third candle should be black, which is excellent for banishment and dispersement. You’ll also need a fireproof surface of some sort (a trivet might work nicley).

Bind together the two candles representing your and your ex while intoning, “This is the relationship as it was.” Visualize the union of the relationship, warts and all. Be honest with yourself—don’t sugarcoat it.

Light the black candle and say, “This is my choice, this is my power.” Burn through the string so that it falls away from the candles onto the fireproof surface while intoning, “I release my self from this bond, for the good of all, and it harm none.”

Move the colored candles apart. Place the black candle in between them. Say, “This is the relationship as it is now.” Visualize yourself and your ex with some space between you. Feel the freedom that comes as you release the bonds that held you to them.

Start moving the candles apart, placing them a little farther away from each other each time, pausing to visualize more space between you and your ex. Every time you pause, repeat “I am free” and “I release myself.” Continue to visualize yourself as a free and independent being living a full and happy life.

Keep moving the colored candles until they are as far apart as possible, with the black candle still remaining in the center. Allow the candles to burn themselves out (never leave burning candles unattended!), all the while visualizing yourself freely moving onto the next cycle of your path.

Stone spell

This is a more energetic spell that involves less visualization and more practical physicality. For this you’ll need some string and a stone to represent your ex. It should feel a little heavy in the hand but should be small enough that you can enclose it in your fist. You’ll also need a fireproof surface.

Bind your dominant hand with the string while holding the stone in it.

Holding the two of you in your heart and your mind’s eye, say, “I thank [their name] for the gifts and joys our relationship shared. I declare that relationship at an end.”

Unbind your dominant hand while saying, “No longer is my fate bound to hers/his. I am free to go my separate way. I release all ties and step into my power as a separate and free individual. For the good of all, and it harm none.”

Burn the string, visualizing any lingering bonds burning away in purifying fire. Then go outside if you’re not there already and throw the stone away from you as far as you can.

Closure

Give thanks to the Divine for lending its aid and call on your guardians and guides to help you maintain your new resolve. In extreme cases, it may be necessary to go cold turkey on the other person for a while, releasing all contemplation of the relationship until you have regained your objectivity. Don’t revert to rehashing old times with your friends. Truly release the relationship back to the Earth and let Mama recycle it in its next form. It’s no longer yours to carry.

I hope these spells are helpful and wish you all the best as you step into your best future! Blessed Be.

Kaia CD Release Party this Saturday!

Kaia will be hosting our CD release party on Saturday, February 11th, 8pm, at the Unitarian Universalist church at 2120 North Fee Lane.

We will be performing our trademark mix of world music from the raucous to the sublime in celebration of the release of our first studio recording, Freedom Land.

Tickets are $12 / $8 twelve and under, on sale at the door or at the BCT box office. Doors open at 7:30 pm. Special pricing on all Kaia CDs and merchandise (you can get our previous CDs for ridiculously cheap prices for one night only!). For more, see www.KaiaSing.com or www.facebook.com/KaiaSing.

I’m a little nervous about the show because the HT neglected to publish our press release today. We will be the featured artist for this week’s BEAD newsletter at least, but I still worry about reach.

Amy and I appeared on Carolyn VandeWeile’s Womenspace on WFHB last Thursday, where she played seven tracks off the album and kindly plugged the show like crazy. We’re just not sure how much exposure the show got. Apart from Amy’s dad, we haven’t gotten any feedback.

We will be featured on WFIU’s Artworks on Tuesday night. Amy and I had a 45-minute long fascinating conversation with Yaël Ksander which she has somehow cut down to seven minutes of interview and song. I’m looking forward to hearing what she’s come up with.

I’ve been lobbying TallSteve hard to get on the Afternoon Mix on WFHB on Thursday, but have only gotten radio silence so far. It would really help to get some prime time exposure and it would be fun to do a ticket giveaway. Plus I think he’d be a great interviewer.

Work has been slow lately, which has given me plenty of time to obsess over show details. I would be lost without Post-It notes. I have lists for everything.

Today we’re having over 4 hours of rehearsal, part of it in the UU space, so it will be grueling but rewarding. This is our last chance to spruce things up before the show. I’m a little concerned about how much time it will take us to set up and strike the night of the show and hope the Kaiasistahs will be game for getting all the work done.

See? I’m obsessing. And I thought of something a few paragraphs ago that I need to add to my to-do list and now I’ve forgotten it. Brilliant!

Mom and Dad and hopefully my two sisters and their kids are coming down for the show. I want to be able to go out afterwards and then meet on Sunday for brunch, but it’s unclear if they’ll be able to stay. I’d really like it to be a big occasion. Those come so rarely for me and I really enjoy them.

In the meantime, I’m polishing up my pointy Goth boots and running Gazapkhuli and I Will every day to try to get ready! Woyaya!

Anywhere but here

My earliest memory is of being in one of those automated swing chairs. I can feel the weight of my baby tummy smooshing into my baby bottom, all scrunched up. And my poor little fat legs suspended above the floor.

My mother swears I am too young to have this memory, but I see it clearly. The swing is made of blue rough fabric, probably a heavy cotton. The sound of the chair is a loud tick-tock. And I’m aware of my mother and my Aunt Dolores moving around me in the kitchen, bustling about their own affairs. I am left to my own devices.

I want out of this chair. I want out. And yet, try as I might, I can’t make my legs extend long enough to get my toes to touch the floor. I’m trapped in this endless ticking machine, waiting for someone to notice me.

Perhaps I cried and was ignored. Perhaps I began to wail and I was immediately tended to. I don’t know. All I know is that there was a moment of blinding clarity where I wanted to be anywhere but here.

I heard on the news or read in a book somewhere that your earliest memory reveals much of your present-day self. That’s certainly true in my case. I spend the majority of my time just passing the time, waiting for someone to pick me up out of this cage. Or struggling with all my might to release myself.

When I lose myself in my work or my music, am I really here? Am I present? Or am I dissociating? Tick. Tock. Relentless.

Time forces me down a birth canal I am too large to fit. Towards what destination? I cannot tell. I have given up most of my hope for a new life. Even for a different life. Sometimes I think it will just be no life at all. But mostly I think it will just be the same life, trapped in a swinging chair.

The one thing I know I want to do is music. Specifically, Kaia. I’ve thought seriously about changing my career (history professor, music teacher, even UU priestess), but nothing appeals to me. It’s as if my mental tastebuds have gone flat. The only thing that gets my attention is Kaia. The music, the message, the experience.

I love my house. I love my yard. I feel rooted in that sense. And I have Kaia. Everything else seems distant. I sometimes wonder if I’ve lived on my own for so long that I’ve lost the ability to connect to other human beings in any meaningful way. If I lost my connection to music, what then? Perhaps then it really would be time to let the clock tick to its logical conclusion.

I don’t have a sense of where else I would like to be, except in an abstract, Christmas movie sort of way. I desperately want a husband and community. I still want children even though I can never have them. I want to be a thrumming chord in an orchestra of family and friends and neighbors. I can even see the movement of many people in and out of my house, hear the sound of many people talking and laughing and singing. It all seems very Little Women. It is hyped-up Technicolor in my spirit.

But that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. What does? I cannot see. All I see is more of the same and frankly, that’s not good enough.

Whenever I think of this particular memory, it leads me to Oingo Boingo’s It Only Makes Me Laugh. I think it’s the similarity in rhythm to “anywhere but here.”

I don’t know why I feel this way
I don’t know if it’s right or wrong
To laugh at misfortune
Darkness can never last too long 

Perhaps it’s just cynicism on my part. Or some self-conscious gesture, laughing in the face of death and all that. Suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Yadda yadda.

But I know someday there will be a reckoning. Someday the urge to get out of the chair and go somewhere, anywhere, will be too great—and that’s where I’ll end up. Anywhere but here.